


Love is patient, love is kind

by justlovebt



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, F/F, Femslash, Ficathon, Multi, Prompt Fill, Religion, Revelations, Romance, Self-Acceptance, church
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-01
Updated: 2013-08-01
Packaged: 2017-12-22 02:23:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/907757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlovebt/pseuds/justlovebt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Sweetjamielee`s Plan B summer ficathon, written for a prompt by TeamSharma: Alicia is at church with the family, listening to a sermon about the first Corinthians letter.</p>
<p>The sermon (Love is Patient, Love is Kind) causes her to think about the people in her life who she has loved, and who loved her. Is any love in her life as pure as the words she now hears?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love is patient, love is kind

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TeamSharma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamSharma/gifts).



> Title: Love is patient, love is kind.   
> Author: Bepatientimadoc AKA justlovebt   
> Fandom: The Good Wife   
> Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda   
> Word Count: ~2800   
> Disclaimer: I don`t own any of the characters of the lovely show `The Good Wife`.   
> Genre: Romance, self revelation   
> Prompt: Alicia is at church with the family, listening to a sermon about the first Corinthians letter   
> Religion: I would call myself spiritual rather than religious. I do, however, have a lot of respect for those who DO believe. I did not write this fic with any intention other than entertain. I hope I have not insulted anyone, please ask away and comment! Suggestions are more than welcome!
> 
>  
> 
> For Sweetjamielee`s Plan B summer ficathon, written for a prompt by TeamSharma.
> 
> I`m not sure this is what you had in mind... Hope you enjoy!

**Love is patient, love is kind**

 

 

Alicia tried, very hard, not to sigh. The wooden bench was hard, making her squirm uncomfortably and a ray of sunlight had found its way through the carefully constructed colored glass to enlighten her face. At times she shut her eyes against its brightness, but the knowledge that she was observed prevented her from keeping them closed. It prevented her from doing a lot of things, sighing and resting her eyes being the least of them.

If she had had her way, they would not have been here in the first place. But then, the light in her daughters eyes as Peter had suggested the visit, had persuaded her more than anything Eli could have said.

She bit the inside of her cheek and tried to focus on pastor Isaiah. She had to admit, she didn`t dislike the man, even though she had tried. He seemed to have a good heart, and, she knew, he talked to Grace at times about things she could not.

_‘Love is patient, love is kind.’ _

_God is love, and love, as well as God, understands and forgives mistakes. It is kindhearted and strong, looking not to hide or cover up a person`s faults but face them, together._

He glanced at her, and smiled, his dark eyes shining with kindness. She had to look away, her heart wrenching in a way that made her whole body hurt. Did she love in that way? Had she forgiven Peter for his mistakes? Had she stayed with him out of love, the kind of love of which the Pastor now spoke, or had she stayed with him out of a sense of duty? And did the church not stand for that duty as well?

It always confused her. Religion. At times she wished she could just believe, just follow, just have the faith that something, somewhere, would take care of her.

She liked the idea that God was love. Love. Something so impossible to grasp. Once in her life she had thought it pure. And kind. And patient. But now she wasn`t sure if she had ever loved like that. She looked beside her at her children, and smiled. They were the exception. They were, for her, what love was all about these days. A flash of a memory entered her mind, unbidden and painful it made her heart race. The day she had lost Grace, the fear that had grabbed a hold of her when she had seen the missed calls. The anger when she had spoken to the boy who had baptized her, the surprise when she had find out the truth about who had brought her daughter home. She closed her eyes, trying to push the memory aside, focusing once again on the Pastor`s words.

There was a time when she had said she believed in love. The kind of love that was not from mother to child, or vice versa. But now, she wasn`t certain if she even believed in herself anymore. The kind of love that he spoke about now, did it exist? And could she say she had ever experienced it?

_‘Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.’ _

_When someone loves you, like God loves each of us, it is not vain. It is not possessive. It does not say `You are mine, and therefore have to be at my side, have to do my bidding.` No, that is not God, that is not love. Love is a present that should be given, without expecting anything in return. God is not vain, he is not proud, he does not EXPECT of you to sit here today to rejoice him. It is not your DUTY to do so. It is because of LOVE that you are here._

Pride. Well there was something she had let go quite some time ago. But then again, she liked to think, she had found it again. Had she? She heard the pastor talk and explain, but her mind had a mind of its own. And, wasn`t it the intention of these sermons that they led to self-examination?

Her brain obviously took that thought as a carte blanche to do as it pleased, and she let it. Had she envied the call-girl for being with Peter? She wasn`t sure. She had been disgusted. Hurt. Amazed, that she had never even suspected. But jealous? She shook her head slightly, as if that would help her to get her thoughts in order.

It made her heart ache, yearn in a way, for the time when she HAD believed. Where she had thought love could be like that. A time in which she had not been required to show up for interviews, speeches and church-visits. A time where love had been something private, something that was just hers… Theirs… Her mind wandered yet again, but this time not to the man sitting beside her, but to another man who had claimed to love her.

Envy had been visible in Will`s eyes, although his words and their relationship had stayed amicable after their short affair.

“An unrequited thing”

She remembered the vulnerability in him when he had asked her is they should talk, the moment after he had let the words slip in a phone call. She had gone out of her way to avoid that talk, because she had wanted to keep the thing they had going for as long as possible. She had been selfish. She should count herself lucky he still remained her friend, after the way she had treated him, used him, even though she had not fully known it, realized it, at that time. She had loved him, she still did, but the kind of love she heard about now, it was not.

_Love does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, _

And there was the reason if it. She had dishonored. Herself and him. Because she had been looking for… What, exactly? She had tried to take words, spoken to her in a bar once, at heart. Everything she wanted to be her, was her. At that moment she had been so angry with the world she wanted to be the kind of person who would do such a thing. Who could just try to chase her own happiness, regardless of the consequences. She had been `self-seeking’, had not allowed herself to think of Will, of his feelings, until the moment he had spoken the words, gently, tenderly, over the phone.

Then, she had known, had not been able to deny anymore, she had not been fair, and not much later she had ended it. But did that give her honor? It was not as if she only had been on the lookout for his happiness when she had ended their affair. She could hardly say she was a selfless person.

She had been jealous, seeing him with others. Not because she wanted him for herself, but because the burn of his stare made her feel… Wanted… And, maybe, loved.

She hungered to be loved. It didn’t take a psychology degree to see why she yearned for it. Her youth having been the way it was. But Alicia had never been a person to allow her childhood to take the blame for her mistakes.

She had done wrong, and every day she was grateful her mistake had not cost her Will`s much needed friendship. He was her best friend. He seemed to understand her more than she did so herself. Not something many people could say. Another thought entered her mind. A feeling, more like. Of a time before, when she had called another person her best friend. A person who had always wanted her to be happy. A person who had hurt and betrayed her. But, for the first time, Alicia allowed herself to think of ‘why?’.

A squeeze in her hand brought her back to the here and now, and she forced herself to return Peter`s genuine smile.

_‘It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.’ _

She did, always and with everyone. She knew where it came from, although she didn`t like to think of the way her mother had always criticized her father. She always was fighting with that, not to become Veronica, not to be like her. But the little voice always sounded in the back of her head. Little malicious remarks on Peter, or Will. Mostly so on herself. How she wasn`t good enough to keep anyone`s interest, how she had not tried hard enough, worked hard enough, fought hard enough. How she had taken all the wrong decisions. She made endless lists of what she, and -in a more resentful mood- others had done wrong.

But her mother had become a bitter and lonely person.

Maybe it was time to let go of the lists, to let go of the wrongs. But how could she, if at times it felt like those lists were the only order in her life, the only thing that allowed her to keep everything in its own little box? The boxes she needed in order to keep on going every day. Or did she? How did other people live without them?

Will… How could he stand to work with her? Why had he not put her in the little box labeled `hate` as soon as she had hurt him?

Peter, his face as she had angrily begged him to say something to make her fall in love with him again. His look of contempt as he had defended Kalinda…

Kalinda, the constant push and pull between them, the icy coldness she herself displayed every time she had allowed the investigator to come close again.

Alicia blinked. It was confusing to realize that, from all the people she had pushed into that little box of hatred, it was Kalinda she had the most trouble letting out. Why?

_`Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.’_

_What is in your heart and what is true, can not be evil. Is it evil for a child to love it`s pet? There are many sorts of love, and the love for God, that one is one of the truest ones of all. Because God does not judge, he does not lie. God`s love is his truth, and he loves us all.  
_

Was it that? That Kalinda had not been truthful to her? But had that been in evil? Or had there been another motive? Alicia felt the frown she wore turn into a headache, and she wished she could put on some sunglasses. She wished she could relax, let go, let it all NOT be so hard…

‘Everything you want to be you, is you.’

The sentence rang though her, and she shivered, closing her eyes shortly, shielding them from the bright light that did not seem to want to grant her any respite.

 

_And he gives us love, to share amongst us. Love between siblings, between couples, between parent and child, all love is God, and God is all love. Sometimes people come to me and say certain love is a sin, that some people are not supposed to love each other, that their love is evil. But then I tell them how it is never the love that is evil. It are the intentions behind it. How one acts on that love. If love is pure and good, not selfish or jealous, not greedy or possessive, not overruling or forceful, how can one claim that it is not God? For God is love, and love is God._

His words sounded like a chant, and they confused her. It was as if images of her life flashed before her, in a never ending kaleidoscope of scenes. She saw her parents, her brother, her husband. She remembered holding, for the first time, Zack into her arms, and the wave of love that had washed over her, so overwhelming she had found it difficult to breath. She remembered thinking she could never feel that way again, and then proved wrong as she had held Grace. She remembered Will, his eyes, his voice, so full of understanding… His hands, trembling, as he… Suddenly, the image changed to other trembling hands, graceful hands, slender hands, gathering papers into an orange notebook.

_`Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.`_

It was the third word… that hit her, harder than the wooden bench and brighter than the colored light. Always, always it had been protecting. Not that she agreed, not that she wasn`t still ANGRY, because she was, but suddenly she saw… The intention. The intention had always been to protect. And the anger lost it sharpness, lost its grip on her abdomen.

And finally, she could let go.

The wave of relieve that overwhelmed her, was mixed with something else, but she could not yet quite grasp what that ‘something else’ was. She fought against the tears that were lodged in her throat, wishing she could let them go as well.

She heard the Pastor speak, but his voice came from afar. All seemed to come undone and at the same time, everything started to fit together.

There was only one person who had loved her like that, and the ache she felt now, in her chest, forced her to be honest. To see, to finally see, what has been in front of her all this time.

 

The images start, like a movie, or maybe like the trailer of a movie, in her mind when the Pastor repeats the words he has been preaching:

_Love is patient, love is kind. _

Kalinda, looking at her shortly, with compassion, before focusing on the tequilashot before her.

“Stay away from court tomorrow”

She knows she can trust. _  
_

_It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. _

Kalinda, some of her fierceness flickering up after the immense vulnerability that had been visible in her eyes only moments before.

"Alicia, I haven't changed. I'm the same person. I knew I could help, so I helped."

She knows she can, even now, still, depend. _  
_

_It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, _

Kalinda, urging, her eyes twinkling with the thought of granting her a wish

“I phone Will, I tell him we're in a bar and that you're too drunk to go home. So you're getting a hotel room upstairs. Alicia, one night... no repercussions.”

And she knows she would keep silent

_It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. _

Kalinda`s face when she declined a tepid beer.

“I'm sorry. I can't help it. I want to move on, but I...look we're working together. That's good enough isn't it?"

She knows, even when Kalinda nods her agreement, it never will be.

_Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. _

Kalinda talking, trying to explain, dark eyes full of pain.

"I slept with him once. Now, I do that. It means nothing to me, but I do that. Look, Alicia, I didn't know you. I'd never even seen a picture of you. To me, you were just a housewife. Then I met you and I liked you; I liked working with you, I liked talking with you. I felt bad. I don't like feeling bad."

And she sees, knows, hears, what Kalinda is trying to say.

_It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres._

Everything starts to merge together there, every look, every touch, every word, spoken or not that has lingered between them comes together and explodes into that one word…

And, now, she KNOWS the word.

Love…

 

It takes a while for her to realize Pastor Isaiah has stopped talking. He is shaking hands at the door as she looks up, a nudge from Peter, an outstretched hand. She doesn`t take it, she can’t, the realization still too raw on her skin.

Love…

Kalinda…

She looks into his eyes and smiles, for the audience, for the cameras. One last time. She sees him notice, his eyebrow rises in alarm, in question. She takes his hand and speaks the words, the words she will later have to speak to a certain investigator, the words that will change her life forever.

`We have to talk.`

THE END

(or maybe, more accurately, just the beginning?)


End file.
